How do empaths deal with being single

10 things therapists advise when you are tired of being single

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Yes, go on dates. But don't put your own life on the back burner.

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At this time of year, it's not uncommon to have this "why the hell am I still alone" feeling.

You don't have to grow up as a Hispanic (by the way: "el novio" is Spanish for "the fiancé") to know that it can be difficult to be single at this time of year: you hold family reunions, there is the naive belief that that you should kiss someone on the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve, and it's not long before Valentine's Day either. But look, it's not just during the holidays that being single can be tough. Maybe you had one recently additional A bad date or seen a couple obviously in love, which made you question your self-worth. No matter why you hate living alone, we want to tell you here that everything will be fine. In fact, it's really great.

BuzzFeed has contacted clinical psychologist Jenny Taitz, author of the book "How To Be Single And Happy", and the sex therapist Dr. Stephen Snyder, author of <"love worth="">, asked what you think about being a HAPPY single.

1. First, realize that loneliness is not something that ONLY single people suffer from - people who are in a relationship can also feel this way.

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Of course, single people know it. But the fact that there is someone you call your partner doesn't mean you can't feel lonely. Your partner may not listen to you when you talk about your interests. Perhaps he does not understand parts of your personality and only reacts cautiously when you express this side. Maybe he is never really paying attention because he works too much or is constantly distracted. You already understand.

Snyder writes, "Almost everyone experiences loneliness from time to time". "If you are single, this feeling can sometimes turn into thoughts: 'If I wasn't alone I wouldn't be lonely'"The truth is, you really don't know, and you don't really want a relationship that doesn't feel right either. Snyder recommends remembering that loneliness comes and goes." When these feelings arise, take them on Knowledge - as well as other feelings. One should not give the feeling of loneliness any special rights. "

2. If you are feeling lonely, it could be because you are not in close contact with friends and family as you can.

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Romantic relationships are really just a type of close relationship with people that make you happy and make you feel fulfilled. That feeling can also be achieved by cultivating strong and meaningful relationships with friends or family members, Taitz told BuzzFeed. (She recommends maintaining at least five close relationships.) Remember, loneliness is a state of mind. When you hang out with close friends, you don't worry as much about it as when you are looking for a new love affair.

We know these aren't romantic relationships, so they feel a little different. However, if all of your friends go out without you and you stay home all the time, it can heighten the feeling of loneliness, especially if you see posts on social media that seem to be having fun. As an aside, if you notice your friends are dating, don't assume that they purposely didn't invite you or that they like each other more than you do. Such negative thoughts are called "mismatched social perceptions," according to Taitz, and they prevent those affected from building deep and fulfilling relationships.

"These thoughts add to the feeling of loneliness," she says, and when you tackle them you can practice behaviors that help you feel lonely. One of those behaviors? Take the lead. Talk to these people and agree on a time when you can meet and do something that everyone can enjoy.

3. You should also do more things that are fun as well as things that are in line with your values ​​and principles.

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Sometimes they are even one and the same: for example, you really enjoy volunteering in a soup kitchen. It doesn't have to be like this, however. If you enjoy going to the cinema, ice skating, visiting museums or going on hikes - then do it! Don't expect a relationship to take you out to live your life. "I hate the idea that being single is like waiting at the airport for your life to begin," explains Taitz. "You can do these things on your own. That doesn't mean that you come to terms with being alone, but you live your life. And it will also increase the likelihood that you will meet this partner."

Doing things that correspond to your personal values ​​can also help you cope better with being single, because it makes you feel like you are doing something meaningful - and that can be very fulfilling, Taitz continues. Just think about how satisfying it is to get top of a class or course, get a promotion, or quit the gym after a GREAT workout. And that is something useful. "It should be a mixture of pleasure - things that are fun or were done, things that are passive or that are easy to do - and things where skill plays a role - difficult tasks that can be solved," says Taitz. "We have to balance work and pleasure."

You should try to be fully involved in all of these activities at all times. (Yes, we're talking about attention here.) Taitz says, "If you want to see a musical but compare yourself to all the others that are there with a loved one, you will feel like you are not in it in your life, in the event or in this moment. "

4. No matter in which way: Reward yourself with small gestures or things that are good for you.

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That could mean taking care of yourself by indulging yourself; but it also goes deeper. You want to be kind and loving with yourself, just like you would be with a partner or best friend. So if you always have food in the fridge when your friends come to visit, you should always have something for yourself in the fridge when you're alone, advises Taitz. Don't deny yourself the good things in life just because you don't have a partner: give yourself the same level of care and attention as others.

5. When you go on dates, make planning your dates second - and your hobbies and activities first. And don't let it get too complicated.

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When you're tired of being single, it's easy to find yourself completely absorbed in dating. You might be trying to hang out a full day with someone you really like, but it's not a good idea because it's your first time going out with someone. Or you plan three dates in a week (maybe even with three different people). Spending all that lifetime dating can leave you feeling burned out if they don't work out, according to Snyder. "Most people who have too many badly running dates feel miserable about it. Snyder continues:" It's a good idea not to make too many dates and to organize them as short meetings over coffee rather than larger projects. "When you arrange shorter, informal dates, you don't invest as much time, money and emotional effort."

6. Even if all the time dating frustrates you and feels like a waste of time, please don't give up.

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It's good to take a break from dating every now and then. But if you look forward to further dates because they scare you and never go the way you want them to, then you may never be ready, writes Taitz. “If you're scared, don't wait for it to get better. Go on a date, be kind to yourself, and admit to yourself how difficult it is. If you accept that it's okay to be scared "You can always go out somewhere," she says. "What makes your anxiety even worse is avoidance. You deserve to live the life you want and don't have to let your feelings dictate when you're ready. "

7. If you use dating apps, use them consciously - and pay close attention to the dates when you go.

By and large, both experts agree that dating apps for single people have a positive effect as they increase the number of possible partners to meet. But they are only helpful if you use them wisely, says Taitz. "I would say that to get the feeling of being connected, we have to give someone our full attention and be fully present with that person in the moment," she explains. "With dating apps, when you meet someone tonight, but there is someone else you met the previous night, you are paying only partial attention to those people." "If you are dating more than one person, do not try to compare these people. Do not assume that the person will meet up with others. And do not click your way through apps while you are on a date and your appointment is on the toilet, "says Taitz.

It is better to go to meetings with an open-minded and empathic attitude. This is an opportunity to get to know someone. This person could eventually become a new boyfriend or girlfriend, and that would be a great success, according to Taitz. "It's tough because I think a lot of people ... don't even think about the fact that the person sitting across from them has feelings and emotions. It's not just a game about how many people are involved answer you in the shortest possible time, "continues Taitz. "The truth is, 'Can I make this person feel like a respectable person; a respectable person who deserves my attention?'"

8. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and never go into a meeting with any kind of presumption.

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There is no point in being pessimistic, and this behavior can destroy the possibility of the date being truly a success. Taitz writes: "Sometimes we make predictions based on the past, and that is neither helpful nor accurate." So try to avoid assumptions like, "I had a bad date, so apps don't work for me." See it as clearly different events and avoid overly generalizations that prevent you from engaging with other people, says Taitz. "In order to meet the people we can best get involved with, we always have to allow new attempts and remain open. Being pessimistic stands in the way."

9. Be honest with yourself when it comes to what you are actually looking for and make your contribution.

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Always remember: people in a relationship can also feel lonely. Don't focus on someone just because they are good-looking; he / she could still be an A… hole and you know it. It is always better to focus on your values ​​when deciding whether a person can ultimately become your partner. Taitz: "It's about what is important in your life and what you expect from a partnership - which values ​​really count for you." "For example, if kindness and advancement mean a lot to you in your career, you should look for a partner who cares about those things as well," she says. Under these conditions, these values ​​should then also be part of your everyday life. "It's easy to say that you want someone who can communicate well, but then you have difficulty having a spirited conversation with that person. Besides being careful of what we want from other people, I think we can should also look inward and do our own part.

10. And finally, remember that finding "your" partner also requires luck and patience. If you haven't found anyone yet, it doesn't have to mean something is wrong with you.

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It's quite common for people to think of being single as "not properly adulthood," according to Snyder. There could be so many reasons for this feeling. An example: Maybe you feel pressured by the family to have made your career up to a certain age and to be married (maybe also to have children!) And if it is not that urge, there is also the stigma that single people are unhappy people. Taitz says, "If I told you that Mary lives in San Francisco, works in the real estate business, and is single, you would make certain assumptions that she would be less happy and lonely than if I just said Mary was in San Francisco lives and works in the real estate industry. "

Remember that, as she says, "it's about happiness, not that something is wrong with you." As for happiness, both experts say there are more single people today than ever in recent history. So look: you're not alone in this, and there seem to be tons of potential partners out there for you.

And now go out there and live your best possible life as a single - and maybe that will change again soon!

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This article first appeared in English.